“Was it really that bad?” - Why so many women struggle to name their experience, and what we can do about it
I’ve sat across from women who whisper that question, not out loud, but through their body language, their hesitation, their doubt.
They describe being “too sensitive”. They tell me they “just got into a toxic relationship”.
They’ll say “He never hit me, but I just lost myself”.
Here’s what I’ve come to understand - so many women don’t identify what they’ve experienced as abuse, even when it’s taken everything from them.
They don’t see how the slow drip of criticism, gaslighting, control and emotional withdrawal eroded their confidence, made them question their reality, disconnected them from their bodies, and made them shrink.
This is why we miss them.
These are the women who fall through the cracks. They don’t walk into services and say “I need support.” They walk about from relationships and say “I should be fine by now”.
I was one of them.
I didn’t recognise what I’d been through/ was going through as abuse - not at first. It took a poster on the back of a toilet to get me asking the right questions; and then a very supportive health visitor to further shine a light on how very un-normal my situation had become.
It took time, learning, therapy and of course movement to piece myself back together.
It was movement that helped me reconnect to my body.
Not high-impact exercise. Not punishment workouts. But gentle, expressive, trauma-informed movement that made space for emotion, breath, release and confidence.
I danced before I found the words. I moved before I fully understood the trauma. And in doing so, I found a way back to myself.
That’s why I created The Dandelion Project
Survivor Steps is our 6-week programme in Colchester, fully funded, and designed for women who’ve experienced emotional harm in relationships - whether they’ve ever called it abuse or not.
It’s quiet, safe, creative healing. No pressure to share your story. Just a space to feel, move, rebuild.
It’s for women who:
Still flinch at certain tones of voice
Blame themselves for being “difficult”
Struggle with intimacy, boundaries or trust
Left a relationship but still feel stuck inside it
Can’t explain why they feel so depleted
It’s not about needing a label. It’s about giving yourself permission to recover.
But here’s the challenge:
How do we reach women who don’t know they need this yet?
They may never see a poster that says “domestic abuse support” and think it’s for them. They may not lick on something with the word “survivor” in it.
But they might read this.
They might relate to the feeling of being lost in a relationship.
Of carrying shame, confusion, exhaustion.
Of wanting to feel like themselves again.
So here’s what I’m asking:
If you’re a professional in health, wellbeing or social car - please help signpost Survivor Steps
If you’re a friend, a sister, a colleague - please share this.
If you’re reading this and feeling seen but still unsure - please know:
You don’t have to explain why you’re struggling.
Your body already knows.
And your healing is valid.
The next Survivor Steps programme start 02 May in Colchester. We have limited spaces available but they are fully funded .
Register and read more here: www.thedandelionproject.co.uk
