How to Help Someone in a Domestic Abuse Situation - What I Wish I Had Known

Written By Fiona Bool

There was a time when I didn’t really understand domestic abuse. I thought it was something that only happened in extreme situations - the kind you see in films or read about in the news. I assumed that if someone was being abused, they would just leave. That if they stayed, it must not be that bad. I didn’t understand why someone would stay in a situation that was hurting them. Nor one where they were not in physical danger. 

I wish I had known then what I know now. 

I wish I had understood that domestic abuse isn’t just about physical violence. It’s about control. It’s about fear. It’s about slow, insidious erosion of someone’s confidence and autonomy until they no longer believe they can leave. I wish I had known how to recognise the signs, how to have the right conversations, and how to actually help - rather than standing on the sidelines, feeling unsure and helpless. 

If you’re reading this and wondering how to support someone in an abusive situation, here’s what I wish someone had told me. 

Recognising the Signs

Not all abuse is physical. In fact, many survivors I’ve met never experienced physical violence, but the psychological and emotional damage was just as real. Here are some red flags I didn’t know to look for: 

  • A friend who started cancelling plans more often, always making excuses

  • Someone who seemed constantly nervous about upsetting their partner

  • A colleague who partner was always checking in, wanting to know where they were

  • A loved one who changed - who used to be confident and full of life, but now seemed withdrawn and uncertain

  • Someone who never had access to their own money, transportation, or phone

Looking back, I realise I saw signs in people I knew, and in my own situation - but I didn’t recognise them for what they were. 


How to Talk to Someone Who Might Be in an Abusive Relationship

I used to think that if I just told someone to leave, they would. But it’s not that simple. Survivors don’t need judgment, they need understanding. Here’s what I would say now:

I’ve noticed you don’t seem like yourself lately. Is there anything you want to talk about?

I just want you to know, if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here

You don’t have to go through this alone. There are people who can help. 

And just as importantly, here’s what I wouldn’t say:

Why don’t you just leave? (Leaving is the most dangerous time for a survivor)

You must be exaggerating - surely it’s not that bad? (Minimizing their experience makes it harder for them to reach out). 

I would never put up with that (This only makes them feel more ashamed and isolated)


What I’ve learned is that the best thing you can do is listen. No pressure, no judgment - just be there. 


What You Can Do to Help

Once someone confides in you, you might feel a huge sense of responsibility. You want to fix it, to save them. But here’s the truth: you can’t “rescue” them. What you can do is support them in ways that actually make a difference. 


  1. Be a Safe Space

They might not be ready to leave, and that’s okay. Let them know they can always talk to you, no matter what. Keep checking in. A simply message like “thinking of you today” can mean the world to someone feeling alone. 


  1. Help them Create a Safety Plan

Leaving is often the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship, so having a plan is crucial. You can help them by: 

  • Suggesting they keep important documents, money and essentials somewhere safe

  • Helping them create a code word to use if they need immediate help

  • Looking up local domestic abuse charities and resources together


  1. Offer Practical Support


  • If they need help finding a safe place to stay, help them research options

  • Offer to go with them to appointments or legal meetings if they’re scared to go alone

  • If they have children, offer childcare so they can seek support without worrying


  1. Keep Showing Up

Even if they pull away, even if they stay longer than you wish they would - don’t give up on them. Abusers isolate their victims on purpose, making them feel like they have no one else to turn to. Just by staying in their life, you’re already helping. 


  1. Know When to Call for Help

If someone is in immediate danger, call 999. If they need confidential advice, direct them to Women’s Aid, Refuge or a local domestic abuse charity - organisations that specialise in supporting victims and survivors. 


What I Know Now

I know now that survivors of domestic abuse are some of the strongest, bravest people I’ve ever met. I know that leaving isn’t just about walking out the door - it’s about rebuilding an entire life that’s been controlled, manipulated and broken down. And I know that one person’s kindness, one person saying “I believe you”, can be the thing that helps them take the first step toward freedom. 

If you’re in a position to support someone, I hope this helps you feel more equipped to do so. And if you’re someone who is experiencing domestic abuse yourself, know this: You are not alone. You are not to blame. And there is a way out. 


At The Dandelion Project, we help survivors rebuild their confidence, trust and strength through movement and dance. If you or someone you know needs support, please reach out. 


Support Services for Survivors

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, there are people and organisations ready to help: 


National Domestic Abuse Helpline (UK)


Refuge


Women’s Aid


Galop (Support for LGBTQ+ Survivors)

  • National helpline for LGBTQ+ individuals experiencing abuse

  • Call: 0800 999 5428

  • www.galop.org.uk


Next Chapter (Essex)


RESPECT Men’s Advice Line

Fiona Bool
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